Conversation with My Dog Theo

Me: Theo, am I the greatest owner ever or what?

Theo: You're pretty good.

Me: Pretty good? That's gratitude. Who fed you yesterday?

Theo: You. And, about that. When you run out of dog food, I don't like that whole cereal mixed with a can of tuna thing you do. Just FYI.

Me: But, you ate it right up!

Theo: Well, I'm a dog. I'll eat anything. I'd just prefer something better.

Me: Done! Anything else?

Theo: Well, now that we are on the subject, I am still upset about that time last week when you tied me up outside the deli and forgot about it until you got home.

Me: I had a lot on my mind that day! Plus, I came back didn't I??

Theo: Also, when you come home drunk late and think I want to cuddle... you'd be wrong about that.

Me: Geez. It's like you don't even like me.

Theo: Love you. Just telling you some stuff I need to get off my chest.

Me: So, you're still glad I'm the one who rescued you from that shelter in West Covina, right?

Theo: Absolutely! And, like you always tell me, "I'm the most special because you chose me".

Me: Actually, I didn't. Your deadbeat dad did. I didn't think you had much of a personality. See, while all the other pups were playing, you did nothing but sleep. But, I've come to see this as a blessing since we now live in a small apartment in Brooklyn.

Theo: That's...sweet. Hey, Gigi?

Me: Yeah?

Theo: I'm glad you're my owner. But, I'm also glad you don't have kids yet.