A friend's mother in Colombia once pulled my friend and I aside to give us an important life lesson on how to behave like a lady. Forget that this woman looked nothing like a "lady" to me because what she told us made a great deal of sense. Anyway, she said "Girls, when you go out to a party or anywhere you will be consuming alcohol, make sure to stay away from any mixed drinks or sugary cocktails. If you drink those you will drink too much too fast, and before you know it, you will be acting foolish. What you must do is get something really strong, like scotch on the rocks, which you will sip slowly. Just nurse one of those all night long, and you will always behave like a lady."
Well after years of foolish behavior, I decided to take her up on this advice. So, the other night while I was out- where was I? Oh yes, Chinatown, I ordered myself a scotch. Neat, fuck the ice, I am a goddamned princess. The Asian bartender looked at me kind of funny, served my drink and asked if I was a lesbian. I just laughed and said, "No silly. I'm a lady." And boy, did that work out well! I swear, everything that came out of my mouth that night was pure, lady-like talk. I mean, I didn't completely follow the advice, because I didn't stop at just one. I snuck some sugar packets into it and it really improved the taste, but a lady is always resourceful. So, thank you Mrs. Bustamante, you have changed my life. I'm pretty sure if I could remember that night well enough to tell you about it, you would be very proud of me.