Open letter to mom

Dear Mom,

I often go on and on about how terrible a mother you were because you were so not the stay-at-home-baking-cookies kind of mom. I made a list of pros and cons about some of some of your parental choices:

Cons:

1. We were vegetarian and all the kids at school made fun of my weird sprout and seitan sandwiches 

2. You would take me to see experimental dance troupes in which the performer would walk across the stage toward an egg very slowly for an hour straight. Score? Who loves Philip Glass?!!

3. You also took me to see a Kabuki version of Hamlet. I could barely grasp Hamlet at 12, never mind having to wear headphones to hear the Japanese translation.

4. You took me to all your parties even though I had school the next day and I was exhausted. 

5. You would take me to your gay friend's apartment to listen to classical music records for hours upon hours when I was five. This friend also hated children.

6. You missed parent/teacher night because you were going to Studio 54 instead.

7. You took me to the Pyramid Club even though I was a minor to see your friend's awful band play.

8. You took me all over the country to follow your Guru. We also spent time handing out flyers for Guru Maharaji in Central Park. 

9. You gave out as party favors those crazy Velcro and plastic belts you were designing at my seven year old birthday party. The other kids gave out things like stickers and candy.

10. The neighbors saw you smoking pot and wouldn't let their kids hang out with me anymore.

11. When I was in High School, after I would come home from partying and pass out, you would sneak into my room to take my make-up off for me so I wouldn't break out. Hi, not your skin.

Pros:

1. We were the only vegetarians in the ghetto 

2. I can now deeply appreciate experimental dance troupes in which the performer will walk across the stage toward an egg very slowly for an hour straight. I also enjoy a little Philip Glass every now and then.

3. Five years later when we finally did study Hamlet at school, I knew that shit inside out.

4. I love going to bed early now. If needed, I can also cover up under-eye circles with make-up better than anyone I know.

5. I had opinions on classical music at five. For instance, I thought Stravinsky was scary and I still do. I can also charm gay men who initially dislike me.

6. You missed parent/teacher night because you were going to Studio 54 instead.

7. I can say I went to the Pyramid Club in the 80's.

8. I understand the importance of having a deep spiritual practice and am immune to others criticism of it. 

9. All the kids loved those crazy Velcro and plastic belts. Everyone said I had the best party favors ever.

10. You kept me from having close-minded, square friends.

11. For a teenager I had pretty damn clear skin.