Who's Your Daddy?

My dad is really weird. He's this Colombian immigrant that loves gambling, hookers and transcendental meditation. His favorite movies are "Ferris Bueler's Day off" and "Can't Buy Me Love". His accent wouldn't be so bad itself, but whenever my friends would come over he'd say things like, "So, you wanna ride the Ronnie Miller Express?" Even when I explained to my friends what he just said, they still had no idea what he was talking about.

My dad told me that once when I was about five years old, we were at Flushing Meadow Park and some gypsy tried to buy me for ten thousand dollars. He said he had to really think about it because one, he needed the money and two, I was really boring. He said until I was ten my mind was limited and we had nothing to talk about.

My cousin from Texas was always wildly sophisticated. She had guys picking her up in convertables when were like, 10. Her boyfriend when we were 12 was the heir to the Dos Equis empire. So, he'd drive in from Jaurez in sports car to where my cousin lived in El Paso and take us back to his hacienda where they had bodyguards.

But, I really just wanted to be home reading the latest book in the "Little House on the Prairie" series. In the latest book Pa teaches Laura how to salt a pork and store it for winter (which as you know, is very useful information for a kid from Queens).

Anyway, my dad decided that books were making me socially inept. Because, I mean what 12 year old wouldn't want to hang out in Jaurez at the Dos Equis empire? So, in an attempt to make me "normal", he took my books away and would force me to go outside and make friends.

This is how I met Ashley and Tara who shoplifted and played a little game called "pole dancing" in their parents basement. 

I'm really glad my dad got me to stop reading and focus more on my social life.

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